TLDR; Stop ignoring your feelings and instead identify them so you can improve your relationship within yourself and your partner.
Why hello there dear readers! Today's blog is something I'm very excited to write about. You know why? Because most, if not all men suck at feeling their feelings. Trust me, I would know, I'm still learning along the way. I think it's truly important that we as people should understand what each feeling is and how to identify them since most of us make emotional driven decisions anyways according to Daniel Kahneman, the author of Thinking Fast and Slow. Aside from that, if you're familiar with the anxious-avoidant attachment styles and you have an avoidant attachment style like me then you definitely need to figure out how to name your feelings. Lastly, if I haven't convinced you already, then at least do it for the sake of your relationship with your girl. She's not lying when she said you need to communicate more while understanding the nuances of each emotion and discerning them from one another is an excellent step towards better communication. So with that said, let's begin!
I'm going to first start off and admit to you guys that I as a heterosexual male suck at naming my emotions. I am an emotional human being.
How many of you out there suck too? How many of you tend to "numb" yourself from feeling anything during conflict between your partner? She ever tell you to be more empathetic or compassionate? Do you like to bottle everything up while trying to be as stoic as possible? How many of you use the blanket statement, "I'm upset." Because by the way, upset isn't in the feeling circle because it can encapsulate between the angry and scared category for many of us. If any of this sounds like you then congratulations, you fucking suck at emotions!
To be honest though, part of it isn't your fault. As bros in society growing up, we're taught that feelings were feminine af, it was not manly to have any emotions, these hoes ain't loyal(they really aren't btw) and really who needs emotions when you've got swag? We've been conditioned from the media and in the locker room that having emotions strips your testosterone and man card faster than you can run because you and I know that cardio kills your gains(sort of). Look it's not your fault that you've been conditioned this way. However, it is your duty to let go of this bullshit nonsense and instead cultivate a means to understand your feelings because damnit you're a human being. Let's all stop with the lying to ourselves and hazing of one another for showing emotion.
One of the worst feelings in the world is feeling lonely and that no one understands you. I'm sure we've all felt like this at some point in our lives. It doesn't help that we as men think it's not okay to even tell our own boys that we're struggling, which is ironic because they are your boys right? Bros before hoes amirite? It's cool and macho to act all tough among your boys but how many of you can actually talk to your friends about feelings without feeling judged? You already feel beat down and alone and now you have to tackle processing your feelings which you're not yet capable of doing? Talk about a recipe for depression.
Look, I get it, that's why we have girl-friends (girls that are friends) so we can admit and confess all the mushy feely stuff to without being judged. But why can't we do that with our bros? There's just things that only guys understand because they're guys and vice versa.
Do you know how therapeutic crying is? It's like releasing so much built up tension and pressure from your soul in the form of tears. Sweet, salty tears. Of relief. There are many reasons why we cry. Are you frustrated? What about sad? What about hurt? Real men cry by the way. I would know. I cried a lot in 2020.
One of the best books I've read called the Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown talks about addressing the shame we feel in our lives in order for it to no longer hold any power over us.
The core of feeling shame is sadness according to the emotions circle I use. Wouldn't it be nice to no longer feel sadness instead of bottling it up and act like the tough guy you think you are?
I'd highly recommend everyone to read this book since we all carry a degree of shame in our lives. Subconsciously and unconsciously it drives our behaviors, especially our destructive ones.
I really like this circle because as you can see there's the core emotion, then a secondary layer and finally a tertiary layer. There are many shades of the core emotions which I thought was extremely helpful for me to further pinpoint down what I felt. For guys, we couple emotions like colors: there's only 3 and that's blue, red and yellow. Any girl will tell you there are shades of shades of colors like Coral or Mauve. I know, I know, the first time I heard the word coral used as a way to describe the color I was shook. You mean to tell me that the coral reef's color has a neutral orange tinge?
Dad jokes aside, where do we start you may ask? Well it's simple, but not really. The first thing I want you to do is to screenshot and save this picture on your phone. From here on out, I want you to try your best to name whatever feelings that pop up. In my own experience, I found that saying what emotion I felt gave this feedback response from my soul. For example, when I felt "upset" I tried to see if I was feeling either sad or angry. Then I'd wait a couple seconds and see if my body reacted or not to the said emotion. If there was no reaction from your body then try picking another feeling from the circle. It'll feel "right" once you say the emotion aloud which then you can confirm with confidence that it's correct. Of course, feeling "right" is different from everyone. How I know it feels "right" is when I get a warm tingling sensation in either my chest or belly.
If you're in a relationship you could totally practice this with your partner. I'm sure she'll be thrilled when you tell her, "Sup babe I'm trying this new thing called learning how to describe my feelings from a blog off some stranger online who also claims to be an fitness coach." Then her eyes will brighten up faster than the speed of light and before you know it you're both saying your wedding vows to each other.
No but seriously both of you will benefit immensely from this. She is now able to see the sweet, sensitive gentleman you actually are and not a heartless robot. You will be one step closer to building actual intimacy with her because you can describe a bit more on what's going on in your world. Win win.
But I think I do. It's a world where guys can talk to each other freely about their emotions and cry in front of each other without thinking they're losing their masculinity. I've learned that emotions are excellent signals that are worth listening to. It's part of the human experience. We're meant to feel the good, and the ugly. So I challenge all the bros reading this page to feel more and numb less. To be that bro in your circle of bros where you make it a safe, judgement-free zone where they can share with you everything under the sun. For me as a bro myself, it's such a cathartic relief to have another bro I can lean on to talk about my struggles, insecurities, and vulnerabilities with. This is something I aspire to become in my friend circle and I hope you all do the same.
Sincerely,
Joseph L.
Be sure to check out my other blogs with regards to either seeing life a bit more profound or understanding the nuances of fitness deeper. If you loved this article, please support me by sharing it with your friends, liking it and/or dropping a comment!
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