TLDR: Vulnerability is the uncomfortable feeling when you say or do something that you feel will change the trajectory of the relationship for better or worse. These types of moments need to happen more than you think.
Hey guys and welcome to another mindset blog written by yours truly. I'd like to thank all my devout 5 followers for reading my ramblings. I'm targeting this post to mainly males, specifically those in their 20s because let's face it, guys have a hard time talking about their feelings. However, if you're a girl reading this then I'm sure you too could benefit from it if you also have a hard time sharing your feelings! With that said, let's begin.
The author aka your boy aka Justjosethings has the toughest time to express not only his feelings but also what he wants. It stems from both his upbringing(imagine helicoptering emotionless parents who thought they knew what was best for you and that your opinions didn't matter) and society(because it was too feminine and girly to talk about feelings). It's not that he's a cold hearted bitch or that he's a robot disguised as a dashingly handsome powerlifting nurse. NO. He's just running an old script from his childhood which served a purpose in the past but is now causing havoc in his current relationships as he got older. It wasn't until this year did he come to realize(with the help of his girlfriend of course) that he has a problem with being vulnerable. In fact, he even deluded himself thinking that didn't have a problem until he was finally aware of himself withholding his needs/wants, for fear of rejection. He saw that he couldn't really pinpoint what he was feeling nor how he was feeling. Everything was either happy, sad or angry. While spending much of his time reading about inner child issues and relationships, he's come to realize the untapped potential waiting to be unlocked to enhance his current relationships. Don't get me wrong, he still has a ways to go but I think he's onto something that can help so many people out there. Let's first define what it means to have vulnerability.
Vulnerability: Putting yourself out there without knowing what will happen.
I love this GIF. It speaks to me personally because those are my exact words when determining whether not I want to be vulnerable with someone else. What if the other person shames me even more even though I'm already feeling ashamed telling them about it? What if they still don't understand me even though I tried my best trying to explain to them who I am? What if no one really likes me?
I've made peace with my parents. They've honestly tried their best with what they knew. I forgive them for raising me in a not so conducive way. However that doesn't stop there. It is ultimately up to ourselves to fix ourselves and our "old scripts." What I mean by this is our behaviors and responses that are almost reactive, without us even knowing they exist every time something or someone triggers us. I'm grateful that I still have my two parents alive and still married to each other. They've also "blessed" me with handicaps on how to manage my emotions and vulnerability with others. I wasn't rewarded when I was able to name what I was feeling or sharing deep dark secrets of myself. I was rewarded based on how well I performed in school which then conditioned me for until it was consciously unconditioned. I did what a typical "good" Asian child would do which is focus on school. I don't have a CPA or MD license but I do have my BSN and RN which is good enough for me.
You really don't know how scary it can be when practicing vulnerability. And if it isn't scary then you're either pretty good at it already or you're deluding yourself as I was. It's this visceral feeling you have in your body, perhaps it could be raging butterflies in your stomach or in my experience this huge wave of apprehension where you're now scared to even say anything. Feelings of impending doom anyone? This feeling of all of a sudden the next words that come out of your mouth will mean life or death to either you or the other person even though you know that's not going to happen BUT DAMNIT THE FEELING IS SO SURREAL. Yeah so listen we need more of that from you kthxbyelol.
It's a no brainer in relationships to be practicing vulnerability. Everyone says it. Everyone knows how important it is to deepen the connection. But actually doing it? That's a whole completely different story. Look, I despise those feelings of impending doom like the next person but I'm here to tell you with complete honesty that without it your relationships will inevitably crumble because of your lack of disclosure. I'm not saying to be vulnerable with everyone of course, just the ones that matter to you, especially your loved ones. For you to not deepen your relationship with your partner is like living with a bickering roommate who sleeps in the same bed with you at the end of the day, sex optional. Take it from a guy who's had his past relationships get only to this level that you do not want this at all.
Relationships ultimately end up either deepening or dissolving. By practicing vulnerability and opening up yourself to those around you will allow you to figure out who's worth keeping around. Not everyone will like you for who actually are on the inside and that's ok! For us to continue living as someone we're not just so can amass fake friends to live a certain lifestyle because that's what we think is "happiness" is death. It's ok if you don't like trendy things and it's definitely ok if you don't like what everyone else is doing. Once you're done with school whether high school or college, this whole fitting in survival "script" you've been running no longer serves you. I found this especially apparent around the 3 year mark of being in the workforce as an "adult." There was a huge shift of who I spent my time with due to both work and when I decided to open myself to the entire world about who I really am. I'm pretty sure we call all relate to this happening but if you're not there yet then prepare to be surprised about who you actually keep around.
Have you ever felt like no one understands you? Do you then tell yourself that they wouldn't understand you regardless even if you tried to explain yourself to them? If that's the case then welcome to my world, that is, until practicing vulnerability came into place. It wasn't until I actually told my partner what I was ashamed about, what I'm scared, embarrassed about and what my needs are did I actually feel finally accepted and understood. Was it scary? Fuck yeah. Is is still scary? Fuck yeah. Do I value the relationship highly? Yes. Therefore I'm going to do whatever it takes to deepen it even if I find it super scary. Even when I feel like my blood rushes up to my head and it feels like I'm about to die.
But actually this is pretty damn accurate to how it feels when trying to be vulnerable sometimes.
Not to worry though, the more you practice vulnerability, the easier and better it becomes. Sharing your wants/needs and talking about your feelings becomes less of a hurdle the more you do it. As for the feelings of impending doom, well about that...don't get me wrong you won't feel like you'll die as much but as you start to share even more personal and intimate secrets, it can still be very uncomfortable. In fact it can still be down right nerve wracking just as when you first shared with your partner how you don't want her to cook rice anymore because she doesn't know how to measure the correct water level with her fingers. Remember though that as much as you'd like to run and hide to not as you're actually heading in the right direction.
Thank you all for taking the time to read this blog! I feel very strongly about having all of us sharing a bit more ourselves to both the world and to each other so that we can all finally accept one another. Being vulnerable and practicing it is no easy task. I still have to consciously practice it from time to time. There are and will still be times where I'll feel like the world will end when I tell my partner the deep dark secrets I've stored underneath. However, coming from a guy who has never felt understood in his life before to now slowly feeling accepted in another person's eyes is the most liberating thing I've ever felt. I do sincerely and hopefully wish those of you struggling with this to have courage and share what's really on your mind. With that said, I'll see you guys!
Sincerely,
Joseph L.
Be sure to check out my other blogs with regards to either seeing life a bit more profound or understanding the nuances of fitness deeper. If you loved this article, please support me by sharing it with your friends, liking it and/or dropping a comment!
When you're ready to take your fitness and mental state to the next level, feel free to check out what I have to offer by clicking on this. Spots are limited and the prices will eventually increase as I have more clients so make haste! It would truly be a honor to help you transcend into a stronger version of yourself.
Comments